Arrogance or Hope?
Have you ever had bad habits or problematic patterns that you didn’t know were bad or problematic at the time, but in hindsight, now you see them more clearly? And do you ever think about how easy it was to fall into those ways, and how long it took for you to snap out of it, so now you’re afraid that you’re going to move forward and repeat those same patterns again; because if you missed all those warning signs before, why would you think you won’t miss them again?
“I’m not a pig, one that goes back again to roll ‘round in the mud. I know better than that.”
I’ve done a lot of soul searching the past few years. Thank you, therapy, and also, just… thank you, life. I’ve done a lot of dissecting of my own motives, my own patterns of behavior, my knee-jerk reactions, and I’m identifying the things that I brought to the various tables where I encountered heartbreak. What was I looking for when I approached those metaphorical heartbreak-y tables? Was I looking for acceptance, and so I put up with mistreatment so that I could be part of a group? Was I looking for validation, so I put parts of myself on mute because I feared that those parts would be rejected or misunderstood? Was I looking for safety, so I went along with whoever in the room talked the loudest and seemed the most confident?
Photo by Liz Brown
Oh, what a beautiful thing it is to say: I know better!
I learned a lesson! I gained insight! I received wisdom! I don’t have to be like that anymore. I don’t have to go back to those old patterns. I don’t have to make those same mistakes again. I mean, maybe I will... But what I’m emphasizing here is the profound truth that there is hope after you make mistakes. You can repent. You can choose a different path going forward. You don’t have to be defined by the past.
“It might have worked back when I was young and dumb and desperate, but now I’m old and wise and mad.”
In the process of writing and recording this song, I was thinking that it might come across as bitter. Or arrogant. “I know betttttter, Peasants”. I was a tiny bit anxious about this.
However, now that the song is released, I am seeing it differently. This is a song about hope! Hope for a better path forward. Hope for a future filled with repentance and forgiveness and accountability and honesty and self-reflection and self-awareness and perhaps even some better outcomes. It’s exciting!
“I’ve learned my lesson and I don’t have to be like that anymore. ‘Cuz I’ve learned better than that.”
We make mistakes. We sin. We are unhealthy. We are immature. We have moments of weakness and we choose the easy way out. We have lapses in judgment. We have blind spots. We lie to ourselves. We lie to each other. We lie to God. And unfortunately, it appears as though these themes will continue to follow us throughout all of life. BUT! That doesn’t mean we can’t experience growth. We can! Yes, we’ll still make mistakes, but maybe we can grow, and stop making the same old mistakes we’ve made so many times. Yes, we’ll always have moments of weakness, but maybe we’ll learn to see some signs within ourselves that indicate we’re getting weak, and we can put some guardrails in place before we choose the easy way out like we did the last time.
We are not doomed to repeat our past mistakes, failures, sins. We are not defined by what we did. We can always repent. We can always choose something better going forward. Can I get an amen?!